Link Me To Your Feminist Think Piece, Sugartits

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Hey baby. The girls are looking nice today. How’s it going? Write anything for Thought Catalog recently? Nice, I’ll have to take a look at it.

That is, if I can keep my eyes off of your damn tits. God. I could leer at your sweater meat from dawn ’til dusk.

Did you read that Jezebel piece I Facebooked you? Yeah, it’s crazy what that senator said during that campaign stop. So wrong. Like, what was he even thinking when he made that comment? Ugh. Disgusting. What an asshole. Oh, and it was an absolute delight to get your take on the whole ‘catcalling’ thing. You completely nailed it. I shared it on my blog, too. I saw you were getting a crazy amount of notes on that. Bravo.

You see, this is why I like you, Jugs—you get so passionate over things. You’re so fiery all of the time. Like a little spitfire. Although, would it kill you to smile once in a while? Just saying.

I mean, you’re so pretty. And you have quite the mouth on ya—I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you! And have I mentioned your rack in this conversation yet? Hopefully it doesn’t sound like I’m mansplaining when I tell you this, but your fun bags are next-level. Fuck!

But yeah, you’re absolutely right—it’s been historically difficult to make people realize that feminism isn’t about taking anybody down, but is simply about equality and bringing up the underprivileged. It sucks because people really need to understand what feminism is and what it isn’t before we can make any real progress. That’s why I loved your response to those Twitter trolls last night. You completely wrecked them. You made me proud, baby.

I bet you’re great when it comes to more domestic roles, too. What I would give to come home to you at the end of the night and just plow that beav for hours. My little homemaker. Wait, what? Where are you going?

Hold up! Don’t leave. Don’t you want to talk about institutional sexism? Or how about racism?! Come on, anything! Come back! Please! Oh well. At least I can watch you walk away in your yoga pants. Ass for days!

Originally published Dec. 2014

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