Nation’s Masturbators Voice Support for Obama’s Position on Net Neutrality

In what is a likely response to President Obama’s advocacy of Net Neutrality, polling this month has shown that the President’s approval ratings have increased dramatically amongst masturbators across the country.

Pollsters explain that although this key demographic has been tough on the President in the past, most notably in 2009 when the President failed to include the bankrupt Girls Gone Wild franchise in his stimulus package, masturbators have begun to warm up to President Obama.

This particular group of constituents, who have always supported high internet speed, was very pleased to see that the President “was going to look out for them.”

Area masturbator Jimmy Williams explained, “My peers and I believe in an America where everyone has equal waiting times for their internet porn. Nobody should ever be forced to endure the hardship of being in the middle of a great whack only for the video of Brandi Likes it From Behind to start buffering on them. These huge corporations can’t do that to us.”

In a recent interview, President Obama cited America’s passion for self-sexual stimulation as a critical reason for his stance on the issue.

“Think about your typical hardworking, middle-class, and chronicly masturbating American,” the President said. “The last thing he deserves after coming home from work is not being able to rub one out.”

Obama reiterated that he will not let corporations stream porn faster than everyday Americans. Said Obama, “we cannot allow our nation’s corporations to watch Carly’s First DP before Joe on Main Street.”

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