ANNARBORTICA, MI–A century-long history of exploration above the Arctic Circle culminated early Thursday morning when a lone wanderer, LSA sophomore Sarah Schwartz, donned her triple-insulated, Gore-Tex equipped winter coat for a treacherous, death- defying morning coffee run in the middle of the Michigan winter.
Clad in the result of decades of research and development at some of the world’s top material science and engineering institutes, Schwartz emerged from her wind shelter in the Landmark lobby just long enough to brave the sub-sweater weather temperatures between her and the South U. Starbucks.
Knee-length parka securely fastened and patterned wool socks just barely visible over her boots, the solitary guardian of the frozen wastes was described by indoor observers as “punching the face of God” as she undertook her “perilous crusade towards sustenance.”
Bewildered onlookers attributed the “Messianic display of cold resistance” to the adventurer’s hand-picked selection of survival gear: an ultralight, top-of-the-line down jacket tailored specifically to the exact needs of Antarctic researchers facing prolonged exposure to sub-zero temperatures, and a trendy fleece headband with a block ‘M’ on it from Ulrich’s.
“Sarah’s one of our best customers, but when I saw today’s forecast, I wasn’t quite sure she’d make it in for her morning chai latte,” commented barista and awe-struck observer Zane Smith, who had just seen Schwartz effortlessly glide through blinding flurries for her beverage of choice. “If it weren’t for that jacket’s high tensile nylon windguard designed for climates colder than the average temperature on Mars, she probably wouldn’t have made it.”
Invigorated by the terror of the journey yet still seeking to break her fast, the modern-day Nanuk of the North commandeered enough liquid provisions for both her temporary indoor reprieve and for the return journey to safety, as well as a slice of gingerbread loaf, since she was reportedly doing cardio later that day and had “earned it,” according to Smith.
At press time, sources confirmed that several foolhardy imitators, clad in inferior jackets only crafted to endure the 100mph winds of the North Face of the world’s tallest mountain, stepped outside briefly to confirm the temperature displayed on the Weather Channel app, then took an Uber instead.