Sources confirmed Tuesday that LSA senior Gretchen Bell reportedly believes that height is the only modelesque feature she lacks. With an apparent total disregard for her pudgy arms, awkwardly-shaped nose, and pasty complexion, Bell continues to insist that her shorter-than-average stature is the only thing standing between herself and her industry aspirations.
Bell is seemingly unaware of her physical imperfections even though eyewitnesses have described her features as “hard to look at” and have testified that the number of blemishes on her face is allegedly very high. “Gretchen is a 4.5,” stated her neighbor, Paul Hill. “I mean, if she actually cared about her appearance and washed her hair once in a while, I might be into her. Actually… no wait… that isn’t true.” In fact, investigation has found that the only potential mate currently pursuing Bell romantically is Phil, a homeless man who lives in the dumpster behind her apartment structure.
“People always tell me I should become a model,” stated Bell on Thursday. “And so I always explain to them: I can’t! I’m not tall enough!” There has been no evidence found to support the claim that anyone has everasked her why she wasn’t a model.
Further research on this anomaly has pointed the blame at Bell’s mother, Martha, who has been hiding the truth from her daughter for years. Martha Bell has been known to write, “Don’t forget that you’re beautiful, honey!” and other deceptive lies on Bell’s Facebook page every week or two.
At press time, Bell was explaining to a friend that the only reason a recent hookup had not texted her back recently was because he lost his