With an historically bad record and injury depleted roster, the New York Knicks Organization has begun holding open tryouts for even their scrawniest, least athletic fans to display their talents and potentially improve the team.
Fans are not only excited about the prospect of “suiting up” for their favorite team, but they also believe that this is the best chance at increasing the team’s winning percentage.
Knicks President of Basketball Operations Phil Jackson explained, “When Quincy Acy is one of your best players, a sense of urgency obviously sets in.” We have been doing additional scouting on some local blacktops, and we think we’ve found some guys that could really fill in and make an impact. YMCA leagues and J.V. high schoolers really have the ability to get this team over the hump.”
Sixth grade english teacher Sam Stone from the Bronx is reportedly high on the Knicks’ radar. At 5’ 11” and 340 lbs, Stone is known for his pick-setting skills and free throw shooting ability, causing many experts to dub him the “rich man’s Andrea Bargnani.”
If Stone does in fact choose to join the Knicks, the organization will have to negotiate with his current team, the YMCA Blue Dragons, to officially sign him.
Numerous NBA analysts this week also reported that plumber Steven Burke of Queens is being actively pursued by the organization. Burke, listed at 5’ 8”, 140 lbs, is a “crafty point guard that can really, I said really, step on the court and make an immediate impact,” said Stephen A. Smith.
When asked to comment on the rumors of his lucrative 6-year, $48-million contract offer, Burke stated, “You’ll have to talk to my agent about that one. I’m just here to give the team the playmaker it needs.”
Head Coach Derek Fisher also had much to say regarding Burke, whom he had an eye on since his breakout performance in the St. Paul’s Methodist Church Charity Tournament last weekend. “We’ve really watched him develop into an incredibly above average player. Hopefully we can figure out a way to land him. I think he would be a tremendous upgrade over our current point guards. And with his background in plumbing, he will certainly help us out with the damage Carmelo’s been doing to our toilets.”