Experts Recommend Wearing Mittens to Protect Hands From Exposure to Flyers

THE DIAG—As winter approaches, local meteorologists have begun to issue warnings about the importance of dressing appropriately for the season. Said Ann Arbor meteorologist Terence Warner, “In January, we can expect to see severe temperature drops, as well as a dramatic rise in start-of-semester showcases and winter concerts. The absolute best way to protect hands will be to make them unusable.”

Though he mentioned gloves, pockets, and disposable hand warmers as viable options, Warner explained that mittens will be the most effective option in bracing oneself against the flurries of quarter-sheet flyers. “Mittens are helpful in trapping one’s fingers together and leaving the wearer entirely impotent.”

“The winds are going to be strong, as will the pressure to attend various rallies and mass meetings,” predicted Warner. “Most meteorologists are recommending that those planning to spend any amount of time in the Diag—even if they’re just passing through—take precautionary measures.”

“We’re approaching a time in the season when even a couple seconds of skin exposure can cause serious damage,” said Warner. “If a student leaves his hands open, lifts his face upward, or even walks within a ten-foot radius of a flyer source, he puts himself at risk. Prepare yourself. Dress smart.” Warner also noted that regarding certain conditions or “more insistent flyer sources such as satire publications,” it is recommended that students maintain at least a twenty- foot clearance zone.

Though neither the healthiest nor the cheapest method of protection, Warner confirmed that leaving hands unclothed and vulnerable to frostbite may also be an effective long-term option.

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