FDA Lifts Ban on Blood Donations from ‘Barely Gay’ Males

Following pressure from civil rights groups around the nation, the FDA recently announced that they will begin allowing limited blood donations from sexually active, gay men, so long as the prospective donors are not “like, super gay.”

FDA Deputy Commissioner Michael R. Taylor explained, “The FDA is committed to promoting equality, and with many objective studies confirming that donations from men who engage in same-sex intercourse are safe to collect, we decided it was time to be on the right side of history.”

“Of course, we won’t go too crazy,” continued Taylor. “The especially extravagant gays with their incessant need to jabber on about what Laura Dern wore to the Golden Globes, or how long their wait was at brunch will still be prevented from donating due to their increased risk of contracting HIV, as well as our general intolerance toward people expressing themselves in whatever manner they choose.”

While many Americans are opposed to the FDA’s loosened restrictions, citing that the partial lift of the ban is not enough to make up for the fact that it still grossly discriminates against men who go out of their way to make it clear that they plan on binge watching Smash again this weekend, many insist that it is a step in the wrong direction altogether.

Ryan Downs, a local bigot with a limited understanding of the cardiovascular system, had much to say on the issue. “The FDA’s decision is a disgrace. Sure, more blood means more lives saved, but at what cost? Would someone in the hospital in need of a transfusion actually be okay with having fruitloop blood? I know I wouldn’t.”

When asked if he would feel the same way despite the fact that the blood will be thoroughly tested for HIV, Downs continued, “That’s not really the problem for me. Just knowing that super gay blood was flowing through my veins would make me sick, or even make me gay.”

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