ARLINGTON, TX—Following Steven “Buckets” Burke, #2, shows off his speed. Reportedly a rare sight. their victory over the Oregon Ducks, the Ohio State Buckeyes not only won the National Championship, but also the title of most exploited athletes in the country.
“[The NCAA] provides the best opportunities for academic, personal, and athletic growth to college students. Too much money being injected into sport could negatively influence student-athletes,” said NCAA Vice President for Student Affairs, Joel Turkel.
“Thank goodness that hasn’t happened yet”, said Turkel, with a sigh of relief.
“I’m so glad that the University of Oregon values my contribution to them at $5 million, while it values these hard-working student-athletes at three years of a General Studies degree,” said losing coach Mark Helfrich. “We can take a few months off, then its back to the concussions and life-altering injuries of the regular season.”
The mood in the OSU locker room was happier after the game, as the Buckeyes were able to raise millions of additional dollars worth of prestige for their university without earning a dime, despite nearly year-round practices and the risk of potentially life-altering injuries.
When approached for an interview, Meyer hissed violently and continued tattooing his running back’s shoulder, the traditional victory ceremony of any Ohio State Coach.
“A young person’s life can be drastically improved by sports; they teach valuable lessons about corruption and powerful people lying to you,” said Oregon Provost Joseph E. Steinmetz. “Never forget the value of making your superiors happy with hard work, especially if they offer you barely anything in return.”