US Constitution Replaced With 400 Million-Person Google Doc

Citing an urgent need for more transparency in government and a desire for immediate, citizen- directed change, the Obama administration has announced that the “stifled and antiquated” legislative constitutional amendment process will be replaced with a Google Docs-based “Collabstitution” for which every US citizen will have editing privileges.

This measure, which represents the first major change to the Congressional process since the introduction of a bipartisan Senate GroupMe last fall, has been met with an overwhelmingly positive public reception; a poll conducted earlier this morning found 65% of those surveyed were “satisfied” with the update. In feedback forums, multitudes of citizens praised the ability to modify, at will, the legal document that binds the United States in order to represent their own interests, even when using a mobile device.

“At first, I thought this whole thing would turn into an unorganized mess, but boy was I wrong!” said Norm Goldenstern of the CATO Institute. “To see so many people together, constantly editing each other’s work out of petty spite only to receive snarky criticisms in response… it’s exactly like the House, but for the 21st century. Plus, if I get overwhelmed, I can so easily take a break from modifying our country’s foundation and just leave the Doc open in my tabs while I browse Reddit.”

However, the introduction of a collaborative binding legal document has not ensured smooth sailing for all: rogue libertarian activist group Anonymous Giraffe has made several attempts to simply delete the entire document. The nation’s fourteen-year-olds ran a particularly damaging find-and-replace mission to transform every instance of the word “right” into “assdick.” Representatives from the Cherokee Nation reported never receiving the national invitation- to-edit email.

According to a White House press release, the Collabstitution has yet to finish out its ninety-day trial period. If found to be “justifiably beneficial,” the future of the Collabstitution will be brought to a popular vote, then actually decided by a vote of the Electoral College.

Originally published January 2015

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