GARY’S SICK NEW WHIP—Despite years spent on the research and development of safety features for Gary Griffith’s new Toyota Camry, there is, apparently, still nothing stopping him from driving like a total douchebag.
“Yeah brah isn’t my new Camry sick? I paid extra for those shiny chrome rims,” said Mr. Griffiths, who was apparently unaware that his car also came with new standard safety features like blind-spot detection and lane assist that were designed to prevent him from driving exactly the that he does. “It’s pretty sweet right? I call it the submarine because I’m gonna be swimming in poon with this thing.”
Mr. Griffiths continued the interview while using one hand to text “his girl” and the other to make obscene gestures to fellow drivers who he perceived as slighting him while barely keeping an eye on the road.
“Why was that douche all up in my grill?” said Griffiths as he crossed over three consecutive lanes of traffic without using his turn signal. “Also why does this car keep beeping and jerking and stopping and shit? This is fucked, man. I hope my whip isn’t defective.”
Despite having many features designed to make driving safer for both Gary and his fellow drivers, his Toyota Camry had no feature that could keep Mr. Griffiths from being a terrible, terrible driver.
“Ugh, this lane is so slow!” Mr. Griffiths complained as he turned on to the shoulder and proceeded to pass all the responsible drivers who had noticed the lane was coming to an end and that they would have to merge. “Why won’t this guy let me in? Come on asshole! I’m trying to drive here!”
A short time later, no one was particularly saddened by the news that Gary’s airbag had deployed after hitting a tree, breaking his nose, as he was distracted by a passing female jogger.