On the heels of recent technological breakthroughs in the prenatal and genetic testing fields, researches are now able to approximate the number of likes a sonogram will get when it is eventually posted to Instagram. The new machine can reportedly predict the comparable popularity of a patient’s embryo to pictures of artisanal bagels, animals doing human stuff, and close-ups of misspelled names on Starbucks cups with captions like “I guess call me Rebekuh now lol.”
Monthly check-up examinations will now involve high frequency sound waves transferred into the woman’s trans-vaginal area to assess gender, chromosomal health, and newsfeed appeal.
“We measure the doppler shift volume of the child in the womb to make sure there are no developmental disorders,” commented Dr. Gunderson, a doctor who has been in beta testing. “We also assess the vitals of the mother’s social media accounts to determine the importance of factors such as how cool the mother was in high school or whether the mother is still in high school, to project the number of likes the sonogram picture will receive. Hotness of both woman and child will play a critical role in the measure of viral potential as well.”
Dr. Gunderson also noted, “If the child in question doesn’t seem to be hitting a critical mass, around 32 likes by non-family members and 16 comments with at least 5 heart-eyes emojis, there will of course be an option to terminate the pregnancy. But we like to hold off on that unless it endangers the mother’s ratio.”
The machine will offer a variety of filter options for the mother to garner the most likes possible, including “pretty in pink,” “future president” and “unplanned.”
Expectant mother Sally Greenwald was delighted to hear that her baby may go viral. “I was really disappointed when I heard my little angel Ollie had an additional chromosome 21. But when they told me he’d get me 84 likes in 14 minutes, I couldn’t have been more proud to call him mine. Even if it’s mostly sympathy likes.”
Yet detractors of the program argue that the technology opposes traditional Christian values. “Call me old fashioned,” remarked Frank Warren, President of the Citizens for a Pro-Life Society, “but I believe that life starts at the conception and execution of a lengthy Facebook status accompanied by an unfiltered sonogram. The way Jesus intended.”