University Accepts Record Number of Highly Financially Qualified Applicants

Citing an aggressive outreach campaign aimed at the wealthiest 10% of high school seniors across the globe, sources within the Office of Admissions confirmed Thursday that the University enjoyed a record-breaking uptick this year in the number of applicants with outstanding financial qualifications.

“As Wolverines, we’ve always taken pride in the all-around financial excellence of our incoming freshmen,” said Vice President for Student Life E. Royster Harper.

“With a median household income of over $250,000, we don’t expect a single penny less from the Class of 2019.”

The record-breaking year comes on the heels of a decades-long trend of applicants with increasingly impressive economic credentials. Harper expects this phenomenal rise in the overall wealth of our future Wolverines to continue for years to come.

But, as Director of Admissions Ted Spencer noted, we shouldn’t expect the University’s incoming class to be any less financially well-rounded than previous years.

“Economic excellence is about more than tallying up our students’ families’ non-farm assets, treasury bonds, or corporate holdings. It’s about more than the value of Dad’s 401k or Mom’s family estate in the Hampton’s,” Spencer explained.

“It’s about striking a balance between old money and new money, domestic money and foreign money— clean money and blood money,” Spencer said.

“Take any of those diverse financial backgrounds out the mix, and our whole student body loses out on the filthy-rich experience of calling themselves the Leaders and Best.”

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