Burnt-Out Student Carefully Rationing Out Semester’s Few Remaining Fucks To Give

Saying that reserves of the precious resource had run desperately low, sources close LSA sophomore Derek McKinley confirmed that the 20-year- old linguistics major was carefully rationing out the few remaining fucks he had to give about his mounting personal, professional and academic obligations this semester.

“At the nine-week mark, every last fuck counts,” said McKinley with drooping, bloodshot eyes. “If I want to make it to May in one piece, I can’t go giving out fucks willy-nilly now.”

“A statistics problem set here, a trip to CVS there––even a lengthy text response to my girlfriend. Believe me, that shit all adds up. Now, I can’t even bring myself to mark a CTools notification as read.”

When asked how he had found himself in this predicament, McKinley admitted that he may have given fucks too generously at the beginning of the term.

“We’re talking color-coded class binders, fully-stocked pencil cases, a juiced-up portable iPhone battery and Said the student, “Sigh.” daily trips to CCRB,” he said. “Reading responses? Typed-up and submitted a day early. Laundry? Ironed, folded, and smelling like fuckin’ fresh morning dew.”

“Hell, I was even thinking about getting a job. One where they pay you to show up and do things you didn’t already have to do,” McKinley explained.

In the end, McKinley is confident that his limited weekly allowance of fucks will carry him through to the end of the term with his academic standing in tact.

“Then, I can focus all my energy on this sick 3-month, full-time internship I’ve got in Chicago. It’s unpaid, but my hiring prospects will be killer if I just work my ass off from May to August.”

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