Presidential hopeful Jason Russo, above, has spent hours engineering the campus-wide scandal from CSG Central Command.
Amidst a trend of decreasing student participation in the Central Student Government’s spring elections, sources confirmed Thursday that a number of CSG candidates are reportedly considering manufacturing an entirely artificial and extremely divisive campus controversy to polarize the student body and jump-start student involvement in the upcoming March 25th elections.
“We’re talking national media attention, rival hashtags and backlash op-eds in the Daily for weeks on end,” said presidential candidate Jason Russo of the Ann Arbaugh Party. “If we play our cards right, they might even force President Schlissel to release a statement condemning whatever it is that people are all up in arms about.”
Although they hail from competing parties, the candidates are willing to work together after last year’s “dismal” voter turnout to inspire enough animosity and opposition within the campus community to ensure a return to the spotlight for student government’s annual election.
“There’s nothing like a heated public scandal to provoke the righteous ire of the student body and get them out to polls,” said Ford School representative candidate Joan Friedman of the iMproved Party. “With any luck, we’ll be able to fabricate a controversy that’ll garner all the hostility, bitterness and antagonism we need to get people angry and excited about the CSG elections again.”
Though the candidates declined to comment further on their plans to artificially induce an unrelenting hailstorm of tweets, Facebook comments and blog posts; they assured reporters that the war of words would be much broader in scope, severity and duration than any previously witnessed controversy.
“Ski-gate and that whole ‘relative wealth’ kerfuffle will pale in comparison to what I’ve got up my sleeves. Mark my words: when this shit hits the fan, they’ll station DPS officers in the fuckin’ Honors Commons just to keep us from each other’s throats,” continued Friedman.
When reached for comment, incumbent CSG President Bobby Dishell praised the candidates’ initiative, saying, “this is exactly what the CSG needs. If students buy into the controversies we fabricate now, imagine how riled up they’ll be when the elections are inevitably voided.”
