By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard the unfortunate news that Jon Stewart will be stepping down as host of “The Daily Show.” Believe me, I’m as saddened as the rest of you, if not more so. However, there is no reason to fret, since I am confident that I am the best fit to take over the position.
Why me over all of the other extremely talented writers and correspondents? The reasons are manifold. For one, Jon’s name and my name start with the same two letters. We both enjoy a nice pastrami sandwich from Katz’s. Perhaps most importantly though, of all “The Daily Show” staff members, I look the most like him.
Now, I realize I may not have the sassy delivery of Jessica Williams or the experience of Jason Jones, but I do have one thing: a similar facial bone structure, overall build, and haircut to the man himself. I tried on one of his suits the other day, and it fits pretty well. Seriously, if you stand far enough away and squint, you can hardly tell us apart.
I’m just thinking in the best interest of everybody here. We’ve already lost Stephen Colbert and the absence of his pasty visage is a void that can never truly be filled. Why not let me slip in and fill Jon’s spot to avoid even further heartache? Trust me on this, one un-fillable void is plenty.
Although I do look a great deal like Jon, don’t think I’ve been slacking in my preparations either. I’ve been taking vocal lessons to give my voice that endearing New Jersey accent. I’ve been performing daily eyebrow exercises to give my forehead those signature nested wrinkles. I’m even prepared to legally change my name to Jon Stewart if that helps to ease the transition.
Just picture it: you sit down after a hard Thursday at work, tune in to Comedy Central, and see someone closely resembling the man you’ve essentially grown up with at the news desk. “Wait a second, I thought Jon Stewart wasn’t hosting anymore,” you think to yourself. Soon you realize the sheer joy of having Jon back outweighs whatever doubts about this impostor you may have. All you have to do is sit back and let the sweet waves of nasally-inflected satire wash over you.
You must understand, I’m doing this for you. All of you. The wonderful viewers that enabled our show to become so successful in the first place. You don’t want Jon to leave, and if the studio execs play their cards right, he never will. I, with my Jon-like image, will swoop right in, like Indiana Jones replacing the Golden Idol with a bag of sand. You’ll never notice the difference.
Loyal viewers, I want to be your bag of sand. Please lend me your support in this endeavor. Write petitions, send letters, do whatever it takes to get me in that seat, pretending to scribble on a blue sheet of paper. It’s what Jon would have wanted.