Man Glad He Hasn’t Suffered Enough to Turn to God Yet

Confirming that his life has been a relatively smooth, deity-free ride thus far, local family man Ted Bookman told reporters Friday that he is glad he has not suffered enough to turn to the Eternal One for his answers yet.

Bookman, 29, has reportedly yet to encounter any life-altering, scientifically inexplicable events that would lead him into the comforting, though unreliable, arms of the Almighty Creator of the Universe. “I’ve had some rough days,” reported Bookman. “But nothing yet has caused me to get in line behind the billions of people who hope their problems can be solved by some sort of Heavenly Father.”

According to reports, Bookman’s trick to making his own decisions as a free, autonomous being instead of bribing the Supreme Being with prayers and sacrificed lamb is to hold no emotional attachments to anyone, to live life without passions or desires and to have the lowest of low expectations.

“I couldn’t imagine being someone who lost a loved one, had career ambitions, or was ever able to find God’s beauty in nature.” Bookman added. “I would be bawling all over that Bible stuff.”

Bookman’s co-worker and frequent churchgoer Frank Pratt reported that he could not understand how Ted has managed to go all these years without even once twisting the truth to fit his ideology.

“It’s hard to imagine how someone can live that long without feeling the need to fill the void in life with fantastical ideas that make just enough sense for you to believe them,” said Pratt.

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