Sources close to SAC major Bryan Klein report that his extensive studies of film and scriptwriting have enabled him to become highly adept at crafting tension between himself and his roommate, LSA junior Jason Goldberg.
“Oh man, Bryan really has that spark that everyone in the film business seems to talk about,” said Goldberg. “He’s just brimming with creative ideas. Like, last week he walked around in his boxers while I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone for a half-hour straight. That’s commitment to the craft. To think, I might be rooming with the next Hitchcock!”
Klein’s other tension-creating techniques include piling dirty dishes so high that they can’t be washed, tracking sludge throughout the apartment with his snow boots, and leaving rotting food out long enough to sustain an entire colony of fruit flies.
“And Bryan never frames a rogue, dirty sock in quite the same way twice,” Goldberg said. “He’s so good at keeping me on edge.”
“He always manages to work in surprise twists,” Goldberg continued. “Just last night he ‘accidentally’ unplugged my desktop from the power strip and I lost two papers I’d been working on. Never saw it coming!” Goldberg said.
Goldberg noted that every time he thinks he’s got his roommate figured out, Bryan “hits [him] with something totally out of left field.” Goldberg continued, “Like that time he baby-talked his girlfriend on speakerphone the entire time I had a biochem study group over.”
“Who else has that kind of vision? This kid is going places.”
Ashley Hoffman, one of Klein’s SAC professors, told reporters that he tends to carry his tension- crafting skills into the classroom as well. “Often he’ll ask a totally unprompted question like ‘Wait––what was the webwork again?’ or ‘Can you go back to the last slide?’” Hoffman said.
Reportedly, Klein is greeted with stunned silence every time––surely a testament to his groundbreaking technique.