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Excited Schlissel Finds Dead Squirrel Behind Union, Wonders If You’d Like To Poke It With Stick

NEAR THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE UNION—Following the discovery of a...

  • Apr 11, 2015

$30 Jar of Artisanal Mustard Consigned To Sit In Grandparents’ Cupboard Indefinitely

Despite their repeated intentions to use the gift to spice up a...

  • Apr 11, 2015

It Finally Time For Hawaiian Shirt, Declare Nation’s Dads

Noticing the weather this weekend will be “mighty fine,” several...

  • Apr 11, 2015

Man Listening to Country Music Finds Self Inexplicably Beginning to Question Veracity of Climate Change

In what he has described as an puzzling and troubling turn of events,...

  • Apr 11, 2015

Man Twirling Mustache Probably Suspect In Some Kind Of Train Robbery

The attempted murder of a young woman strapped to a local railway...

  • Apr 11, 2015

Grandson Inherits Treasured Family Heirloom, Chronic Risk Of Heart Disease

After a long talk from his father about the object’s significance...

  • Apr 11, 2015

First Grade Teacher Fucking Nailed It With Rivers And Streams Unit This Year

Hailing this year’s overview of estuaries, tributaries and straits...

  • Apr 11, 2015

Scientists Claim Humans Not Alone In Universe, Except Dave

A report released by NASA this week confirmed that, given the...

  • Apr 11, 2015

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