Nearly seven months since it began, thousands of Markley cockroaches are calling for the extermination of what may be the largest freshman infestation in recent history.
“It’s disgusting,” confessed an outspoken cockroach. “I don’t know what it is–the greasy hair, the oily skin, the lanyards–just the sight of them makes me sick. Not to mention the lingering odor of burritos and beer shits they leave behind, or the fact that I can barely sleep with their godawful party playlists going all night.”
The freshman problem in Markley Residence Hall is not a new development, but with the recent wave of renovations across campus, residents are hoping to bring attention to the often-overlooked pests.
“The entire situation is absolutely ridiculous. They’re constantly making a mess, leaving their waste everywhere, and they just smell awful,” said an anonymous cockroach. “Sometimes I fnd their droppings when I go in the showers, which is a whole new level of disgusting.”
“We would try to exterminate them, but a few weeks eating at the Markley Dining Hall builds up their tolerance for anything we could poison them with,” continued the anonymous cockroach. “If they can survive Fish Fridays, I’d say they’re probably the most resilient animals on earth.
”While the cockroaches have yet to find a means to get rid of the freshmen, they have found that the invasive species has a high sensitivity to light, especially on weekend mornings. Said one cockroach, “If you just flip on the lights or make some loud noises, they usually scatter around and hide in the corner.”