Radical Political Group ‘By Any Means Necessary’ Resorts To Holding Angell Hall Bake Sale

In an unprecedented move Friday, the radical political group By Any Means Necessary, perhaps most famous for being on the FBI’s terrorist list in recent years and being vocal in both campus and state politics, took serious action against the University’s affirmative action policy by selling cupcakes in Angell Hall. The organization proceeded to promulgate shocking statistics of Michigan’s lack of diversity as well as frosted funfetti cupcakes.

Many students heading to class were startled by BAMN’s actions. “I knew they meant business,” LSA sophomore Lisa Jenkinson said. “I’ve heard rumors about how BAMN operates, but I was still taken aback by how confrontational they were. One of them stuck a cupcake right under my nose.”

As their name hints, however, the left-wing activists are nonetheless willing to do whatever it takes to achieve their goals. Member Jamal Jones told reporters, “We’re going to accomplish big things on campus, with or without support of the administration. If you’re not with us, you are siding with the white frosting of the oppressors.”

Jones continued, “We warned all of you. Our name says it all: we stop at nothing. Prepare for change, and know that change only comes from radical action: I’m talking picketing, police confrontation or hanging out by a window in Angell Hall with a banner and goodies.”

Fellow member Barry Schmidt agreed. “There is a rich history of political protest here on campus,” he said. “We’re looking to the great civil rights leaders of the past for guidance, from Dr. King to Malcolm X, as we mobilize support and follow the proud tradition of civil disobedience, communicated to the masses by way of baked treats.”

At press time, onlookers reported that BAMN had moved to the next stage in its uncompromising, and possibly violent, plan to revamp the University’s racial composition by putting an email list next to some gluten-free oatmeal raisin cookies.

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