CCRB—Although he has consistently been described by gym teachers and coaches throughout his life as an “average athlete who really tries his best,” 5’11’’ sophomore and IM basketball player Jason Cooper said Tuesday that he “can’t quite dunk,” but is “pretty close.”
Cooper explained, “I can grab the rim almost every time. I’ve propelled the ball through the hoop before too, but I’ve never done never both concurrently.”
Cooper, upon receiving backlash from opponents and teammates alike regarding his bold claims, responded, “I would definitely be able to dunk on a nine and a half foot hoop,” and that he was doing 50 jumping squats per day to prepare for the next intramural season.
“I’m so close to actually dunking that I’ll totally be there by this summer. Our intramural team, the Chick Magnets, will definitely have a much more physical presence next and we’ll finally get that elusive, almighty championship t-shirt.”
Cooper also had much to say about his overall physique, noting that in addition to frequenting the gym in an effort to improve his vertical, he is planning on “finally let the six-pack out of its cage” by following a rigorous regimen of crunches.
At press time, Cooper’s teammates made it clear to reporters that he is really more of an offensive threat from beyond the arc.