Report: No One ‘Around’ To Pick Up Least Essential Member Of Friend Group From Airport


Sophomore Alex DeRosa spent his Sunday night waiting on the curb of Detroit Metro Airport’s North Terminal for a ride that would not arrive.

DeRosa is the latest in a series of students returning from weekend trips to be blissfully unaware that his friends’ cars are being used for almost anything else.

Said DeRosa, “Well I have pretty solid group of friends, we call ourselves the five musketeers. Jerry, Tina, Max and Amy and all of them have cars. So I’m just gonna hang here and text them and see who’s down to swing by and pick me up in exchange for a red hot dining hall swipe or just the pleasure of my company.”

However, according to DeRosa’s friends, this trade is universally acknowledged to be less than fair. “Oh, Alex needs a ride from the airport?” noted Jerry, who just woke up. “I just woke up, so…”

Others were happy to provide more detailed reasons for staying home. Said senior Tina Garrison, “Alex is an okay guy, pretty quiet when he crashes on your couch. But that airport is like a full half hour away. And the tolls. Actually there aren’t any tolls, but if there were that would be another reason not to pick him up.”

Meanwhile, DeRosa spent his fourth hour at the airport terminal laughing at the suckers getting into taxis while refreshing his Snapchat to see if anyone responded to his most recent plea for a ride.

Senior and “Fifth Musketeer” Amy Patrillo could not be reached for comment until the next day. Said Patrillo, “Yeah, I got a new phone recently, so… Yeah, I got a new phone recently.”

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