Scientists Claim Humans Not Alone In Universe, Except Dave

A report released by NASA this week confirmed that, given the vastness of our universe, much of the scientific community now believes humans may not be alone, except for 31-year-old web designer Dave Clement.

“Essentially, what we’re looking at is a probabilistic argument,” said astrophysicist Michio Kaku. “If we truly consider the vastness of space, the millions of solar systems beyond our own, it seems highly unlikely that humanity is alone in this universe.”

“Oh. Except for Dave. That guy is really alone,” added Kaku, regarding the self-employed introvert, whose pet allergies make even animal companionship impossible.

Scientists have already begun searching for life beyond our solar system, using sophisticated technology such as the Kepler Space telescope. While humanity is closer than ever before to discovering life on other planets, University of Phoenix Graduate Dave Clement has yet to find anything resembling a life.

“What makes the search for alien life fascinating is the variety of possible chemical structures for organic beings,” said biologist Sydney Baker. “These lifeforms could have entirely different systems of reproduction,” unlike Dave Clement, whose romantic prospects are so slim that biological reproduction of any kind would be shocking.

While scientists have yet to find absolute proof of life on other planets, many believe humanity is closer than ever to finding our extraterrestrial neighbors. At least, they say, closer than Dave Clement is to even talking to his neighbors.

“When one considers this vast universe of ours, it’s easy to small and insignificant,” said astronomer Clarice Bergrundl. “Fortunately, none of us are as insignificant as Dave.”

Related News