Freshman Fails to Land Threesome in First Week

Freshman and “total loser” Bobby Horn returned home late Saturday night after reportedly failing to land a threesome at any point during Welcome Week, leaving much of the community in awe of his tame sexual enterprises.

“Horn seems to be a truly unique case in Michigan Welcome Week history,” said Professor Richard Longings. “To partake in solely routine sex acts during a week that serves entirely to satisfy the most depraved desires of the student body is, well, completely unprecedented.”

“I feel totally overwhelmed, and yet wholly under-stimulated,” confessed a dismayed Horn. “I mean, obviously I got laid. Who doesn’t during Welcome Week? But then I was talking to some friends and they’ve had multiple threesomes already. I thought I was pretty well prepared for some collegiate action, but apparently one penis in one vagina just doesn’t mean much.”

Sources confirmed that Horn is, in fact, the sole member of the class of 2019 who hasn’t “finger blasted six chicks at the same time” or even engaged in simple “doggy-styling with his hot RA and her sister who’s here visiting for the weekend.”

“I don’t understand it,” said the threesome-less Horn. “I’ve talked to plenty of girls, gotten some of their numbers, and even had sex with two, but only separately.” He continued, “I feel so left out. But does a devil’s threesome count? I think that could be an easier way to finally experience group sex like everyone else.”

“Of course I’m worried,” revealed Horn’s mother, Diane, who vehemently explained that she was no stranger to communal fornication in college herself. “No parent wants to see her son become an outright loser, but I’m afraid that’s where he’s headed. First I hear he hasn’t fucked two chicks simultaneously, next thing you know he hasn’t even tried anal yet.”

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