Friend Announces Plan to Remain Sober, Judgmental Tonight

Amid reports of a “Tight and Bright” party at Chi Phi, rising sophomore and wet blanket Elisa Wayne disclosed her intentions to stay sober tonight—as well as to speak condescendingly, take unsolicited photos, and provide a guilt trip the next morning.

“Plus, I’m trying to be healthy lately,” said Wayne, who will cast disapproving glances at her friends as they lick queso off their fingers at Panchero’s later this evening. “I need to get up early tomorrow morning and run, anyway,” she continued.

Wayne was quick to assure her friends that she’d still have fun, however. “I’m not one of those people who needs alcohol to let loose and dance,” she said, looking pointedly at her friends. “In fact, it’s probably best if someone uses her brain tonight,” she said before sighing, raising her eyebrows, and asking, “How about you just let me hold your cell phones once we get there?”

“These are my best friends—of course I’ll have a good time with them even if I’m not I’m drinking,” Wayne said. “Whether we’re playing beer pong, taking selfies, or talking to cute guys, I always have fun knowing I look good in comparison to those sloppy bitches.”

According to Wayne, it’s not unusual that she goes out without drinking. “I just like to be in control of myself,” she explained. “And in control of the camera when my friends fall down on the sidewalk outside of Brown Jug tonight.”

At press time, Wayne’s friends were discussing their plans to order three Long Islands and end the night puking in the handicap stall.

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