Homesick Pope Treated Self to ‘Me’ Night at Olive Garden

Exhausted from an eventful first trip to the U.S., Pope Francis reportedly took some time at Olive Garden on Sunday to “relax, recuperate, and enjoy a traditional Italian meal.”

The Vicar of Christ sat alone at a table, halfway between the door and the bathroom, where the ambiance would be “not too drafty, with a lower rate of foot traffic,” according to a spokesperson for the West Philadelphia Olive Garden.

“Even the Bishop of Rome misses home from time to time,” remarked His Holiness’ Senior Advisor, Oscar Boffa. “The Successor of St. Peter wanted to feel like he was back in the Vatican, so I suggested he order the best $9 plate of homestyle carbonara you can find in West Philly.”

The manager of the blessed Olive Garden, Tony Randall, said he was surprised when he saw the Holy Father “hobble in” and ask if there was a reservation under the name “Francis.” “For a second there, I was shocked that the Shepherd of the Universal Church wanted a table in my restaurant, but then again, I guess it makes sense given our quality food and service. After all, ‘when you’re here, you’re family.’”

“I think my only experience in an Olive Garden that compares is that time I’m pretty sure I saw Ben Stiller in New York,” said Joe Ramirez, who was eating dinner with his family in the restaurant when the Supreme Pastor entered. “I assume Pope Francis just wanted some of that delicious Italian food he gets everyday in the Holy See, starting with OG’s classic Stuffed Sausage Giant Rigatoni™.”

The Pontiff was seen shortly afterwards pleading for God to forgive his sin of gluttony as he ate a complimentary breadstick that he stashed away in his hat.

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