Last Wednesday during sixth period lunch, high school sophomore and self-declared music critic Aaron Marrone interrupted a conversation with his friends to reveal his unique, harsh opinions about the band Nickelback.
Witnesses were shocked by his inspired and “completely original” statements regarding what Marrone called “Nickelback’s atrocious sound quality and poor showmanship.”
He continued, “Their lyrics literally blow. They’re the worst band around, hands down.”
After his impassioned argument, Marrone’s peers were reportedly so moved by his insightful commentary that they broke into a spontaneous round of applause.
“I can’t believe someone would risk alienating themselves from the group like that by vocalizing such radical opinions,” explained friend John Cohen. “To come out so strongly against a band like Nickelback… it just takes balls.”
Despite his numerous bold claims, ranging from “their songs are, like, legitimately awful” to “at least their name makes sense, because if I paid a nickel for their music, I’d definitely want it back too,” Marrone did not stop with solely criticizing Nickelback.
Marrone continued to “blow minds,” according to sources, through his strong stance against Adam Sandler movies, insofar as “Sandler used to be a really talented and edgy comedian, before he sold out to make awful blockbusters for bigwig studio executives.”
At press time, witnesses overheard Marrone’s groundbreaking criticism of the word ‘moist,’ telling awestruck listeners that “it’s probably the grossest word in the English language.”
