Roommate Who Moved in Four Hours Earlier Knows All the Ins and Outs

Gesturing out the window towards the law quad, area roommate Michael Connors reportedly “just wants to help [his roommate] get the hang of how things are here.”

“Since I’ve moved in, I’ve really had time to get myself acquainted here,” Connors reported. “College is a big change for everyone, but I think I’ve really gotten into the swing of things.”

Connor’s roommate, Ethan Hillard, moved into their shared dorm room on the third floor of South Quad four hours after at 5p.m. last Thursday evening.

“Our RA is a great guy, I had the chance to speak with him for a little, but he’s always busy and couldn’t stay long,” reported the 18-year-old who had only seen a dorm once before on a college tour. “I mean, if he’s as cool as Kathy says he is I think we’ll be able to party in here… oh, you haven’t met Kathy yet?”

“I wasn’t too sure about what I was doing while moving in,” Hillard told reporters of Connors. “But as soon as [Connors] told me that I should probably stop wearing my lanyard, I was sure he knew how to handle himself here.”

Witnesses claim that Connors proceeded to give Hillard a brief rundown of how the busses all go through C.C. Little at some point, and that the Diag-to-Diag Express is a “total misnomer” and will take a long time to get from one side of campus to another.

“Oh and we all love to have a good laugh about not stepping on the ‘M’ on the Diag. Oh you haven’t seen the Diag yet!? We’ll have to go play frisbee there soon, it’s kinda what everyone does, ya know? And just wait to you see all the squirrels!”

“But hey, you’re probably hungry from all this moving in and stuff, we could go get something to eat. If we’re lucky, Jack will be down there swiping cards, he’s a great guy, always delighted to see people, I think he might have a shift on Thursdays.”

At press time, Connors was seen explaining to Hillard that people who say “Skeeps” were just using slang for Scorekeepers.

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