Successful Weight Loss Regimen Opens Up New Doors For Other, More Obscure Insecurities

Resulting in her recent loss of over 30 pounds, Jen Harper’s successful diet and exercise routines recently made room for other, less noticeable flaws.

“I’ve never felt so free,” reported the woman who now obsesses about the length of her eyelashes. “For years, I was too uncomfortable to even wear shorts in the summertime because of my size. Now that I’m a size 4, I could totally show my legs off! But with my saggy knees, I wouldn’t even dream of it.”

When asked how she accomplished her goals, Harper told reporters that each day she exercises for an hour and a half, the same amount of time she spends looking into the mirror, hating the color of her eyes and the dullness of her hair. Harper also claims that cutting out all carbs has really increased her energy, mood, and the amount she worries about the size of her toes.

“I think everyone should have the chance to truly enjoy living a healthy lifestyle,” said Harper, who lets the thought of her split ends haunt the back of her mind at all times.

Her friends and family have noticed the changes, too. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy. She got to buy a whole new wardrobe!” said the mother of the girl who cried after moving down multiple cup sizes since the beginning of summer.

“The shopping was the best part,” confirmed Harper. “I was so excited when I bought my first crop top. I searched for hours to find one that adequately covered the pimples on my back.”

At press time, Harper was lying awake in bed thinking of the stray freckles that make her face asymmetrical and the attached earlobes that hold her back from truly pulling off large hoops.

Related News