Area ugly parents Donald and Colleen Higgins expressed dismay this past weekend at their son’s regrettable inheritance of their own unpleasant physical features, instead of his better-looking, recessive traits.
“I just know Ernest has some hidden handsome DNA in his gene pool somewhere,” said Mrs. Higgins. She continued, “I may not have much to offer, but Lord knows his grandfather was a real ladykiller. Aren’t at least some looks supposed to skip generations?”
While the Higgins family has never doubted that the child is theirs, sources report that they have often wondered how his complexion could suffer quite so much. “I studied Biology in college, so I know how Punnett squares work,” reported Mr. Higgins. “But shouldn’t he get every fourth trait or something? I mean, seriously, what are the odds?”
“Look, I know I’m not one to talk,” said Mrs. Higgins, noting her own heavy brow and snaggletooth. “But if Ernest could just try a little harder to express those recessive genes, he’d be doing everyone a real favor. Hopefully, he’ll grow into his face during puberty.”
Although they try not to remind him of the genes that could have been, Ernest’s parents have taken to assuring him that someday he will surely meet a nice, homely girl. Additionally, they have provided him with a low-brimmed baseball cap, sunglasses, and a scarf to wear at school.
At press time, the Higgins family was in their living room, weighing the pros and cons of taking their chances with a second child.