After hearing yet another story about his glory days, sources confirmed Monday that Chris Plumlee, an unpopular kid from high school, had peaked during those same four formative years.
“You’ll never know that rush, man, the greatest rush ever, was that time senior year when I reminded Mr. Horowitz that the test was that day when he had almost forgot,” Plumlee said. “I just looked out at everybody, like, yeah, I did that. It was no big deal really. But it was so fucking clutch.”
“Yeah, I now sell shoes at the Payless in the mall,” he added.
Plumlee, who many remember as “weird” and “off-putting,” often pulls up his junior year class photo on his phone and asks, “Can you believe that was me? Look at that! Look at me!”. He says he had the time of his life in high school and “wish[es] [he] could go back.”
“That school was my playground. I dominated that place. I would roll into lunch with a Pendragon novel and got a whole fucking table to myself. It was so fucking rad,” Plumlee said. “Those were the days.”
Plumlee graduated from Dexter High School in 2011 and stayed in town while many of his classmates went off to college. Despite not being liked by anyone in particular in high school and never spending time with anyone outside of it, Plumlee left Dexter High with quite the trove of stories and memories.
“You know, I fucking carried the football team on my back, at least academically,” said Plumlee, who only made the team because the coach kept forgetting to cut him. “I mean my GPA was like a 2.7, but I always got a ‘1’ on my report card for effort.”
Despite a lack of lasting interpersonal connections, Plumlee often opens up his 2010 yearbook for some “remembering,” he said.
“Oh man, Dexter High was wild. I remember how everyone else was always complaining how they never got any, and then I saw Mrs. Murphy kiss Mr. Murphy on the lips when they forgot I was in the room. It was so fucking hot,” Plumlee said, fondly. “A spank bank favorite.”
At press time, Plumlee was thinking about giving Jeffrey and Todd from gym class a call sometime soon and seeing if he can get the gang back together for one last ride.
