$8,000 Raised by Mud Bowl Barely Covers Participants’ Stomach Pumps

The annual Mud Bowl took place last Saturday despite protests from University officials, raising about $8,000 for Mott Children’s Hospital, or roughly $10 after subtracting the cost of alcohol-related medical expenses.

This final Mud Bowl was a historic one; after Sigma Alpha Epsilon was shut down due to misconduct, it was largely assumed that the 82-year tradition would also be disbanded. However, the students involved fought to keep the event in place, claiming its aid to sick children, and excuse to drink before 9 a.m., was too great to ignore.

Said vomit-soaked former SAE brother Clyde Lewis, “Yeah, they’re strong little dudes, all terminal or whatever, but still hangin’ in there. I hope all our hard work buys them some sick medical doobies.”

Added participant Jake Hayes, as he was loaded into an ambulance with a BAC twice the legal limit, “Those little fuckers with leukemia and shit—they need us.”

At press time, the inebriated heroes were wondering if their acts of generosity would be enough to get them laid.

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