Let’s Rewrite Those Crime Alert Emails Everybody Got and Make an Article With No Additional Detail

Whoa. Are you guys getting this? U-M Crime Alert #7. I just got it as a text. Oh, wait, I just got it on Gmail, too. You know… just case anybody missed the text. Wow, wow, this one’s a doozy.

This may sound just a wee bit opportunistic, but I’m going to need someone to do a write-up of this, based solely off of this email that every student and faculty member received. Nope, no detail necessary outside of what DPS just told everyone on campus. Nose goes for assignment!

Ooh Diana! Looks like it’s you. Ouch! Haha. Don’t worry, this shouldn’t hurt… too bad! Just punch up that release that every account affiliated with the U of M – Ann Arbor campus got, and we should be good to go.

125 years of editorial freedom don’t stop for no one, baby!

Yeah, just paste in the description that the witness gave and give it some AP flair. No, just put the adjectives in quotes.

Let’s see… Pyramid’s looking pretty inverted so far… You have quote marks around the verbatim stuff and have flipped around the wordings of the other sentences… looking good so far… oh wait!

Eh! Looking at it from a little further back, I’m just thinking: Can we bump up the word count a tad? Maybe point out that this is the seventh crime alert this year so far, and that there were six others before it. That’ll bring up the ol’ WC.

No, Diana, you don’t have to call any outside sources. If you really screw anything up, they’ll call us to clarify.

Great, great stuff. I can see 300–400 engagements on Facebook from confused people under the assumption that we have any additional information whatsoever to offer about the incident.

Diana, keep typing. Why did you stop? Gotta beat MLive, Diana, gotta beat MLive. You keep going this slow and you can kiss that front-pager goodbye!

Related News