Freshman Definitely Could Have Played D-II Football


Parker reportedly chugs a 22-second ‘40.’

Sources overheard Monday that freshman Joshua Parker “definitely could have” played D-II football somewhere, although he ultimately settled on being a student at U of M for the partying.

“Yeah I was pretty sick in high school, so there were a lot of programs giving me looks,” Parker said in between gulps of a protein shake. “There was this one school out in Arkansas that wanted me pretty hard, but the party scene here is too loud to pass up.”

Parker played three years of junior varsity and one year of varsity in high school. A safety for Park Hill South, Parker’s senior stat line reportedly included “over 200 tackles” and “a shit ton of interceptions.”

“I could have gone anywhere. I was getting recruited by a bunch of well-ranked D-II teams,” said Parker. “But how could I pass up the school ranked most party by Bro Code?”

With his playing days behind him now, Parker is ready to transfer his football mentality towards the Michigan party scene.

“College has been sick so far. I’ve been raging my face off. Can’t wait to do this for four more years, bro,” an emphatic Parker boasted, at a party hosted by a frat he was rejected from. “Yeah, it’s so great to be a frat star now.”

At press time, Parker was overheard mentioning his high school stats to a girl he met at the party, adding, “Don’t Google it, though.”

Related News