Marine Researchers Cite Low Funding, Scary Fish As Reasons for Fewer Expeditions

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Parsons’ next expedition will reportedly stay in the shallow end of the ocean.

In a panel interview regarding the lack of ocean exploration missions planned by the American Society for Marine Research, marine biologist Brad Parsons lamented the “severe drop in funding” that will temporarily prohibit researchers from accessing “the parts of the ocean that are seriously fucked up.”

Parsons’ view was supported by other members of the research team, who described their annual budget as “paltry” or “diminutive,” and the largely unresearched lifeforms of the deep sea as “Satan-esque,” “demonic hell-spawn,” and “icky.”

Said ASMR head researcher Arthur Davison, “It’s a shame that we won’t be able to learn any more about the world’s oceans in the foreseeable future. But I’ve seen all that I need to. I mean, have you ever seen a picture of an angler fish? Or a vampire squid? Jesus Christ. You don’t easily forget that shit.”

The ASMR’s most recent expedition was taken in May of 2014. Said researcher Jennie Glover of her time on the historic expedition, “There was this fish—I don’t know what kind, I don’t want to know, I don’t give a fuck—right outside the goddamn window. I don’t remember if I even took any notes. It’s just so hard to think about.”

It has been reported that Angela Zimmerman, President of the National Science Foundation research grant board, has been strongly considering a marked increase in funding, but “can’t bear to look at any more pictures they bring back.”

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