‘College Isn’t Worth It’ Say Analysts Who Have Clearly Never Been Balls Deep in a Freshman

After employing extensive cost-benefit analysis, it was argued earlier this week that attending college is not worth it by analysts at U.S. News & World Report who obviously have never broken in any tight, barely-legal punani.

“Through statistical analysis and poring over data from the biggest universities to the smallest liberal-arts colleges all over the United States, we found that returns to education are quite negligible, and in fact, often negative,” said one analyst who either never went to college, or did but was a complete dry-dick that never rammed a ripe and juicy vulva.

The researchers claim that taking on massive student loan debt in an uncertain economic setting is enormously risky, but this is probably according to regressions that could not account for the feeling of that 18-year-old down your hall jamming your throbbing cock into her nubile, dripping-wet slit until she climaxes.

“You just can’t put a price on pounding a supple, quivering pussy,” said University of Florida junior David Streveler. “There’s so much shit these days in the media about students with no job prospects and useless, overpriced degrees. But the truth is, just cumming inside a young woman’s eager pink pearl once is worth all of the student debt in the world.”

Many students argue that while late-night study sessions with that girl from psych class resulting in popped cherries contribute little economic value, they do provide a “mindblowing” social good that simply cannot be traced in data.

Explained USC sophomore Anran Zhu, “When analyzing the value of college, you can’t forget to control for whether or not you’re a loser virgin who’s never been up to his nuts in guts.”

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