It Isn’t Really a Mass Shooting Unless the Shooter Stands on a Rooftop and Yells ‘You’ll Never Take Me Alive, Coppers!’

My fellow American citizens, in this time of tragedy following the horrific recent shootings, I feel I have to set some things straight. Gun violence is once again entering the national discourse, and as an advocate for responsible gun ownership, I feel that the public is overreacting to these incidents.

Why? The reason is simple: a shooting is not really a “mass shooting” unless the shooter stands on a rooftop and yells some variation of the phrase, “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” Some acceptable substitutes include “This is for Tony, you rat bastards!” or “Eat lead, pigs!”, etc.

The recent shooting was tragic, to be sure, but not a single Tommy Gun toting gangster, thank God, was involved. Imagine if we had lost scores of our boys in blue to a bloodthirsty criminal with nothing to lose. In fact, the shooter didn’t even get on the roof. We’ve dodged a bullet, so to speak.

As I previously explained, no mass shooting is complete without at least one Al Capone-type pinstripe wearing individual and at least one rooftop of a height no less than two stories. While mental illness is often cited as the motivation in so-called mass shootings, a true mass shooting should have a more realistic motivation, such as a strong bond to a crime family, or a need to hold onto the spoils from a well-executed bank robbery that some G-Men caught onto just in the knick of time.

Compared to the hardened criminals of the Jazz Age, modern shooters have no pizzazz or sense of style. For heaven’s sake, they don’t even bother to dress up. Not a tailored suit or a pair of gloves in the bunch. You know what I call the idea that a shooter could be anybody in a crowd? Boring!

Rest assured, the NRA is working tirelessly to ensure that no firearms fall into the hands of any fedora-wearing thug who would use it to harm our brave men and women of the police forces. If this description does not apply to you, feel free to pick up a weapon at your local gun show.

 

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