Vulnerable Student Exiting Mason Hall Decides to Give Blood, Run Half Marathon, Convert to Islam

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A recruiter asks Bingham if he knows about Scientology.

On his way out of Mason Hall yesterday morning following a 10 A.M. lecture, Jeffrey Bingham was spotted adding his uniqname to the clipboards of three different student groups along the main entrance, confirming both his spinelessness and his intentions to give a pint of blood, run a half marathon, and convert faiths.

“I was intrigued by all the Starbursts on the tables and I guess I hesitated too long,” Bingham said of his most recent pledges. “The recruiters started talking about what a good cause they supported, and I didn’t know what else to do. They were so nice. I had to sign my name.”

The Student Allies of The Red Cross claim to have known he would be an easy target as soon as he paused for approximately 45 seconds on his way toward the staircase. “He looked defenseless, standing there slack-jawed. Just the kind of student who we usually draw to donate blood,” said group member Allen Garrison. “He had pins from all the mental health groups on his backpack, too—a total sap.”

“Of course I want to give back to the community. I like to think I’m a force for good,” Bingham remarked, searching for a space to tuck yet another flyer into his bursting backpack.

Scouts for the students tabling in Mason Hall are informed to seek out Bingham’s type. Anyone spotted contemplating a hand-drawn poster, or deliberating on whether they have enough change for a bake-sale purchase, is a potential recruit.

To incentivize his contribution, the student groups offered various coupons, baked goods, and buttons. “It’s not really worth the trade for a pint of blood or the religion I’ve practiced my entire life, but I’m a nice guy so I played along,” said Bingham.

In the future, Bingham has claimed he will be more guarded passing through Mason Hall, saying, “If I don’t make eye contact, I’m golden.”

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