“This is worse than the halftime show,” commented one fan.
Following a gruesome hit involving two three-hundred-pound men colliding at full speed, the crowd at TCF Bank Stadium whispered amongst themselves for nearly thirty seconds as Minnesota offensive tackle Kurt Mayer clenched his leg in agony.
“Who? Oh yeah! In the second quarter right? Talk about a hit!” said Michigan fan Martin Fanucci. “I mean, obviously I hope he’s okay— but I mean, WOW. Have you seen the replay? Add that to the highlight reel! I bet it makes Top 10 on SportsCenter.”
Fanucci’s concern was mirrored by thousands of students and alumni, all of whom had paid a minimum of fifty dollars to look on as young men mercilessly and repeatedly threw each other to the ground. As Mayer lay on the 20-yard line, unable to name the current year or the names of several family members, fans respectfully stared at his image on the jumbotron for almost half a minute while asking one another about plans for after the game.
“It’s always terrible when a player gets hurt,” said Jean Donahue, who had driven more than two hours to see the violent spectacle. “You have to stand there and wait for them to either get up or get carried off, and sometimes that can take almost ten minutes! Just carry him off the field in a stretcher and get on with it already!”
“Luckily I was able to make use of that time,” added Donahue. “As soon as Kurt went down I headed for concessions—no line! I made it back with two soft pretzels just as he was getting carted off, and the crowd went wild! Sometimes a little injury is all it takes to get the fans fired up for some more football.”
At press time, it was confirmed that Mayer’s injury is career-ending. A single moment of silence has been planned in his honor at tonight’s hockey game where players will strap knives to their feet and hit each other with sticks.