“Ctrl + F makes this shit a lot easier,” reported Bridgforth.
After receiving anonymized course evaluations from her ENGLISH 260 students, Professor Julianne Bridgforth performed an informal cross-textual analysis to see who among her class of 40 students wrote that one fucking course eval.
“My research tends to be more focused on 16th century English literature, yet I couldn’t help but get caught up in something a little more modern,” said Bridgforth. “In my studies, I’ve argued Shakespeare could have actually been playwright Christopher Marlowe, so I should definitely be able to nail down which pinhead wrote that fucking bullshit about me on CTools.”
Poring over a semester’s worth of papers, tests, miscellaneous assignments, and email correspondences, Bridgforth carefully studied each student’s grammar, diction, and tone to try to discern which “pissant” had the nerve to call her “unprepared for lectures and generally uneducated.”
“You see, in the second line of the text for Open-Ended Question Two, the student uses the phrase ‘half-baked’ when describing my lectures,” explained Bridgforth. “In all of the papers for this semester, there’s only been one instance of this phrase popping up, and it’s Short Response II by Christine Dao, but I’m pretty sure she liked me. I mean, she came to my office hours and we chatted all of the time. She wouldn’t have sold me out like that.”
In her study, Bridgforth has reportedly been paying special attention to the “idiots who got C’s and D’s,” and believes she is on the verge of making a discovery.
“I’ve consulted with the GSI and believe the answer to the authorship mystery is either Megan Emrick or Michael Vredenburg. Research heavily favors Emrick, but I have some empirical evidence suggesting it might have been Vredenburg,” said Bridgforth, adding, “It’s mostly just that I fucking hate him.”