An alarming report released by the American Health Administration this past Tuesday claims to have found that the healthiest breakups involve throwing your ex-boyfriend’s clothes out of the window and onto the sidewalk where he is standing below.
“In nearly all participants surveyed, those that threw shirts and pants from their second or third story flat and allowed the clothes to fall on their former lover standing sadly under the window reported being happier in the weeks that followed,” researcher and sociologist Mark Adams told reporters. “It’s essential that at least one dress shirt billows softly for three to five seconds before it falls on top of the ex’s face.”
Adams added that it did not matter whether you shout, “You’re always doing this kind of shit to me Stephen!” or “You don’t care about me, you don’t care about anything!” the act of angrily throwing his clothes out the window is enough for both parties to move on.
“Throwing your ex-boyfriend’s clothes can take anywhere from a brief 40 seconds to as long as ten minutes,” the report reads. “It is important however to remember to slam the window down as hard as you can after you’ve finished berating him for his faults and pelting him in any of his socks, underwear, and even shoes he’s left behind.”
“For the men,” Adams continued. “The AHA continues to recommend going home and masturbating to pictures of your ex-girlfriend on Facebook.”