Everything You Need to Know About Open Heart Surgery, Because the Procedure is Tomorrow and You Totally Zoned Out That Day in Medical School

You really blew it this time. The surgery is tomorrow, and you still haven’t caught up on the readings from med school about how exactly to perform an open heart surgery. Well, here’s a quick crash crash in what you missed while you were catching flies:

  1. The restroom is located down the hall and to the right. Ask all the nurses if they have to go before the procedure.
  2. Bring your favorite ladle from home. You’ll be most comfortable if you have tools you’re familiar with.
  3. The heart is in the middle.
  4. DON’T gently massage it. I know your first instinct is going to be to get in there and gently massage it it, but that’s not what you’re supposed to do.
  5. Don’t ask Janet for help, because she’ll be all like “blah blah blah did you even go to an accredited medical school, Jeremy?” and you’ll never hear the end of it.
  6. As soon as you see the open heart, it’s probably all going to come rushing back to you.

Related News