If Global Warming Is Real, Then How Come I Don’t Believe in It?

I worry about the future just as much as the next guy. I want to leave the world a better place for my children and grandchildren to enjoy. But when it comes to the liberal hippie nut-jobs spewing their rhetoric about global warming, I have to put my foot down. How can they possibly call global warming a fact when so many people like me don’t believe in it?

I’ve heard all the arguments and none of them can convince me. Scientists try to say that we can “track changes in atmospheric composition through ice core sampling” and “the change in global climate exceeds any fluctuation predicted by models built on geologic data”—but they can throw out all the numbers they want. Until someone explains to me why I should believe something that isn’t true, I just don’t see how I’m supposed to buy it.

The fact of the matter is that I believe in truth. I’ve never once believed in the tooth fairy or institutional racism, and I’ve always believed in aromatherapy and the unshakable love of my family. So when I say don’t believe in global warming, you’ll have to understand that I have my reasons.

That said, I have never wavered in my convictions. In 1998 I ordered a soft shell taco at Taco Bell, but the cashier gave me a crunchy one and insisted that was what I had ordered. To this day I stand by the fact that I ordered a soft shell, and I remind this Taco Bell franchise by sending them biannual hate mail. You can show me a 400,000 year graph indicating increases in atmospheric carbon dioxide levels—the fact remains that I don’t believe it. And if I don’t believe it, how could it be a fact?

Rest assured that if global warming were real, I’d be worried, wouldn’t I?  Well, I’m not worried at all—so what does that tell you? Maybe if people could see the situation as clearly as I do, they wouldn’t have to worry so much and we could get back to talking about the issues that really matter.

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