After their professor’s computer screen faded to a screensaver display of a young child, students in Dr. Arcese’s CHEM 130 lecture reached the astonishing realization that Dr. Arcese at some point in his life must have had sex, meaning he is not a virgin.
Students agreed that while their professor “isn’t exactly unattractive,” his weak shoulders and reserved demeanor suggest that he should not know much about reproduction, let alone how to engage in the act itself.
“I would’ve thought if you even said the word ‘vagina’ around him he would just start shaking and maybe mumbling about phosphorus,” said Rachel Belson, Dr. Arcese’s GSI. “But apparently, not only has he taken the opportunity to see a woman naked, he actually got her pregnant.”
Many students currently enrolled in CHEM 130 have considered the theory that Professor Arcese adopted the child, but due to the “likeness of the child in the picture,” they reportedly ruled that out.
“His daughter even has his cheekbones,” said LSA junior Julie Burke. “Otherwise I would’ve thrown the possibility of kidnapping in the mix.”
Since the incident, Dr. Arcese reportedly found himself basking in a “slightly higher” level of “street cred” among his students.
“Now that we know that Arcese fucked someone, whenever I’m making fun of my friend Jay for being a virgin, I just remind him that even meek, little Professor Arcese once shot his load in someone. That always makes him mad,” said freshman Thomas Addison.
At press time, Dr. Arcese’s students were considering whether his accommodating nature meant that he is a gentle lover.
