Area Man Pretends to Wash Hands After He Pees

James reportedly put a hand under the automated dryer for good measure.

In the midst of a study break during a long night at the UGLi, LSA junior Brent James reportedly peed in a urinal, noticed that someone was in a stall, and subsequently ran the faucet for eight seconds in an attempt to make it seem as though he was washing his hands.

James admitted that he has a long history of abstaining from hand washing after urinating. “I didn’t even touch the toilet. It has an automatic flush,” said James. “So basically, I just briefly touched the shaft of my penis, and I showered this morning anyway. Really, it’s kind of ridiculous that society tells me I need to wash my hands after such a brief exposure to bacteria.”

“Sometimes, I’ll actually hold my hands under the water to really sell it. But if nobody’s in the bathroom, I’ll just walk out. I only stood at the sink this time because I saw feet in the stall out of the corner of my eye,” James said.

When asked for comment, Brian Simmons, the student who was using the toilet at the time of James’ trickery told reporters, “Oh, I didn’t buy it all. I do the same thing; I’ll dangle my hands in the sink or even bang on the dispenser so it sounds like I’m getting soap. That’s my special trick.”

“As soon as I heard footsteps stop at the sink, I felt bad for him,” he said. “I just wanted to say from behind the stall, ‘It’s okay! I don’t care!’ Nobody actually washes their hands after they pee, doesn’t everyone know that?”

Simmons concluded, “If I see someone washing their hands for real after a quick piss, I would have to assume he peed on his hands.”

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