‘Mysterious’ Hallmate Glad People Haven’t Realized She Just Quiet and Lame

While many hallmates believed her weekend absences could be attributed to a mysterious boyfriend, further inquiry confirmed that Marticelli was just visiting her parents’ house in Saginaw.

After three consecutive months of minimal contact with her hallmates, LSA freshman Marissa Marticelli said she was glad that her peers considered her “mysterious” and “possibly edgy,” rather than antisocial and boring.

“Marissa is so unique,” said LSA freshman Caroline Garlind. “She always looks like she’s thinking about something else, and she never goes to the same parties that we go to.”

Added Garlind, “I wonder what kind of underground scene she’s into.”

Although her hallmates’ perception is that Marticelli goes to “exclusive” parties that they “probably haven’t even heard of,” reports confirmed Marticelli has not attended a party in over two months. The last social event she attended was a university-sponsored arts and crafts event, which she left after 30 minutes of cross-stitching.

“Everyone always asks me how I’m doing, and when I just shrug and don’t say anything they apparently think that I’m too cool for them,” explained Marticelli. “I just clam up and forget how to speak.”

On top of the illusion that Marticelli goes out instead of staying in her dorm every night, students living on her hall have been reportedly gossiping to each other about an aroma that occasionally wafts from her room, as well as artwork that they see on her walls whenever they catch a rare glimpse of Marticelli walking in or out of her Alice Lloyd single.

“I’m pretty sure I smelled something skunky when she left her door open to go to the bathroom,” recalled freshman Derrick Mann. “I also peeked inside and I saw that she had some weird, abstract modern art on her walls.”

Marticelli said the reportedly “dank” smell permeating from her room is a water humidifier that hasn’t been cleaned all semester, and that the “art” on her walls is actually where she tripped and spilled coffee on her walls, which she has put off cleaning for over three months.

Although students consider Marticelli’s tendency to keep to herself a sign of superiority and what some hallmates have called her “inability to be entertained by anything even remotely basic,” Marticelli has emphasized that she actually experiences social anxiety around other people and panics during conversations.

“Damn, I just wish I could know what she’s thinking,” said hallmate John Stinson. “I guess she’s just living on a higher wavelength altogether.”

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