Area Student Only Overachieving Due to Inescapable Fear of Fucking Everything Up

Porter said he recently finished updating his resume for the third time this month.

LSA junior and serial overachiever Jacob Porter confirmed yesterday that the primary motivation propelling him towards his lofty goals is an ever-present fear of total and imminent failure.

“Some people ask me what my secret is,” said Porter, who is a member of two student organization executive boards and boasts a 3.8 GPA. “They think there’s some piece of advice I can give them that will make them as successful as I appear to be, but the truth of the matter is that I have an innate and complete fear that if I screw up one little thing, my whole world will come crashing down around me.”

Porter concedes that it’s no small feat to score the leading role in a campus musical while maintaining summa cum laude status, but denies that he has any sort of exceptional talent. Rather, he says, the constantly-lurking fear of humiliation compels him to “shoot for the stars, ensuring to never miss, as missing would mean floating in a void of existential dread for eternity.”

Sources close to Porter report that after failing to secure an internship with a Fortune 500 company after the first career fair of his freshman year, the enterprising young bundle of self-doubt and irrational fear decided to join a professional fraternity and start a volunteer organization.

“I just need to make sure there aren’t any gaps on my resume,” explained Porter. “I’m competing against some of the best in the world here at this school, and I have to make sure I cover all my bases. Sure, I had already set up a summer job helping my Econ professor with his research and I had already become the youngest member of my a cappella group’s e-board, but there’s probably a guy out there with all that with a 4.0 instead of a 3.8. Even now I’m worried that I should have joined a chemistry fraternity instead of a business one so I’d be more well- rounded in the sciences.”

At press time, Porter was seen in the UGLi fretting about the proper way to word his acceptance letter responses to the multitudes of companies that he had applied to. Reportedly, he was worried that “one misspelled word might give them the excuse they need to dump me out on my ass, just like I’ve always feared.”

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