Witnesses reported that this past Monday, a group of Markley residents argued whether Hannah Miller, dorm mate and girl they have no chance with, was “bangable.”
“I mean, she’s got a nice face, I just don’t like a girl with no ass,” said Max Bregman, a 5’4” computer science major who only recently had sex for the first time. “I’m not saying I would turn her down, I’m just not gonna go out of my way for it, you know?”
Ignoring the unlikelihood of ever getting a chance with her, roommate Steve Reisen agreed, stating, “her tits aren’t that great, either.”
The group reportedly continued to debate the relative merits of Miller’s face and body for the duration of dinner, pausing only to smile awkwardly and attempt conversation with a passing female from their floor. Witnesses say the discussion concluded when hallmate Josh Andrews, whose chronic asthma reportedly makes any type of intercourse extremely dangerous, announced that he, “probably wouldn’t smash.”
When pressed for comment about the debate, Miller was surprised to hear that anyone in the group thought they had a shot with her. “Those guys on 2nd Elliot?” Miller asked. “Um, no.