Interning for Goldman Sachs Only Way for Kid out of This City

Hills is aspiring to be the first member of his family to accept a job at the firm.

Adding that it had been his dream since he was only five, junior Thomas Hills lamented Wednesday that becoming a summer analyst at Goldman Sachs is “the only way out of this city” for someone like him.

“My only ticket out of here is just getting noticed by someone and given a chance just to show them what I got,” said Hills. “I’m fighting so hard for this. I keep going over the fundamentals—I keep reviewing my finance textbook, like, nonstop.”

Area sources confirm that without landing an internship at Goldman, Hills is otherwise doomed to a life of middle class mediocrity “like his parents.”

“At the end of the day, Tommy’s mom just doesn’t want him to turn out like his dad,” said his aunt, Louise Rice. “His dad’s a consultant at Quicken Loans— that’s just not the kind of future you would want when providing for your kids.”

“I keep telling my little brother to pay attention in school—I don’t want him ending up like me. Living on a dream, you know?” said Hills before running through some practice interview questions in a mirror.

At press time, Hills told reporters that he will buy his mother a house in a slightly nicer neighborhood once he gets his first big bonus as a hedge fund analyst.

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