Sanders said he is disappointed that he will likely be unwelcome at public pools for the foreseeable future.
After growing a mustache, area man Kyle Sanders has reportedly come to the realization that his new facial hair now prevents him from being able to buy Girl Scout cookies, or approach any child in a public place.
“I thought it looked okay until I tried to go buy some Thin Mints outside the grocery store,” said Sanders. “The kids’ mom just gave me this look, like I was some kind of pedophile or something.”
Sanders had to sell his white van last week in an effort to stop the stream of mistrust from the young parents in his life, he said. He also reportedly vowed to leave town whenever a holiday like Halloween occurred that required adults to give candy to children.
“I get all these weird looks all the time from my neighbors just because I choose to have a little hair under my nose,” said Sanders. “I just grew it because I thought it would look good. It’s not like I’m trying to feel up their kids or anything.”
The climax of Sanders’ struggle occurred, however, when he found a lost child wandering the streets of his home town after dark. Sanders said he could not help the child find their way home as, he says, he would “become a suspect.”
“Kyle’s having a real rough time with the mustache thing,” said friend and coworker Derek Arnold. “I don’t think I’d like it either if everyone thought I was a creep, just because I chose to grow some out-of-style facial hair.”
“Then again, I was pretty relieved when he called in sick on Bring Your Child to Work Day,” added Arnold.